Eight Rules of Mac Ownership

Attention, technology fans! Are you thinking of buying an iMac or a MacBook? Do you already own one? If so, then you MUST make sure you’re following the rules of ownership. Chances are, if you already own a Mac, you’re already obeying the rules, because they mostly seem to come naturally. But read on to make sure.

In general, you just need to remember that it’s the very opposite of Fight Club. Rather than not talking about your Mac, you must do so whenever possible. It is imperative for you to understand that everyone will be very interested in hearing about it, even if it means steering an unrelated conversation around to your Mac just to remind people that you have one.

That’s a bit vague, and it’ll take you a little while to perfect it. In the meantime, here are some specific tips on how you should start to act after you buy your Mac.

1) NEVER refer to having a ‘computer’ or ‘laptop’. This is a wasted opportunity. You should always talk about your iMac or MacBook. This might seem odd at first, but you’ll soon get used to it. Just remember, you can’t remind people enough that you own a Mac. Never use a generic term when the brand name is so much more powerful.

2) Quickly reach the conclusion that, while your life might have seemed fine without a Mac, it really wasn’t. It was hollow and incomplete, and the Mac is key to your happiness and fulfilment. Ensure that you appropriately blend condescension, derision and pity when telling Windows users about their terrible, terrible lives. After all, they need to know that you’re one of life’s winners. Show them the path to enlightenment by scoffing at their choices and disregarding any reasons they might have for not choosing a Mac. Remember, you have right and a glowing Apple logo on your side.

3) At least half of all pictures that you post to Instagram must contain your Mac. But keep in mind, you don’t want to show off too brazenly or there’s a chance that people might dislike you (unlikely, for who wouldn’t like a Mac owner?). Fortunately, there’s a subtle way to adhere to the rule. Take pictures of objects – books, tickets, video games, chocolate bars, anything – but ensure that your Mac is always visible in the background. On most occasions, it will not fall naturally into the shot and will need to be placed there deliberately. And that’s fine. The object in the foreground isn’t important. Yes, it’s very nice for people to know that you have tickets to the hottest show in town, but more essentially, they need to be reminded that you own a Mac. Instagram subliminal advertising will achieve this goal.

4) At least half of all the pictures that you LIKE on Instagram must contain a Mac. Remember, people can see what pictures you like. You don’t only own a Mac; you like other people who do. This one is easy to follow, because Mac owners will be adhering to the rule above. Just remember: don’t like any pictures that contain a Windows laptop. You have standards, after all.

5) Use meaningless Apple speak to refer to parts of your Mac. For example, why call your CD/DVD writer by a term that everyone understands, when you can instead use the word ‘SuperDrive’? You’re part of an exclusive club now, and people will appreciate you using the lingo. Never say “I’m having a problem with my mouse” when you can say “I’m having a problem with my Magic Mouse”. You see? It’s obvious when you think about it. Not that you should ever utter that sample sentence, for reasons covered in the next point.

6) Limit your talk of Genius Bar appointments. You SHOULD mention the benefit of Apple’s retail stores and on-hand customer service, but you don’t want to give out mixed messages. Talking about Genius Bar appointments reminds everyone that you have a Mac, but it also harms the idea that nothing ever goes wrong with them. You’ve made a superior choice. Don’t undermine that with insinuations that it isn’t perfect.

7) You will take many self-portraits (known from this point as ‘selfies’) using your Mac’s FaceTime HD camera (remember to keep using that terminology – NEVER say ‘webcam’). In all selfies that you upload to social networks such as Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, you must be wearing your Apple EarPods. Although your Mac does not appear in the picture, people will appreciate a reminder that you, as an ambassador for good taste and style, only buy Apple. (NOTE: You may, on occasion, wear Beats by Dr Dre headphones around your neck to show that you’re fashionable, but be aware that this can confuse the desired message. Use EarPods until you are confident that you understand the balance required.)

8) Take screenshots of your FaceTime chats and post them to social networks. You own a Mac, you talk to other people who own Macs, and everyone needs to know about it. If you both wear EarPods during the call, the previous point becomes even more potent. Feel free to make a silly face for the screenshot. Owning a Mac is fun! Everyone needs to know. Aim to post a FaceTime screenshot AT LEAST once a week.

Follow these rules to the letter and you’re sure to be well-liked and popular. People will never tire of hearing about your Mac. If anyone shows a reaction other than complete enthusiasm for your efforts, remember that they’re just jealous of you. And why should you care? After all, they don’t own a Mac, and you do. You win. Every time, you win. You’re an absolute hero. Never forget it, and never let anyone else forget it. They’ll thank you in the end.

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